Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt. I have only 3.5 hours of freedom left.
School finishes for the girls today.
JD doesn't finish until next Tuesday (the girls are LOVING that).

And we've just had to cancel our beach holiday because of business commitments. We'll still go, just not until the beginning of February.... I WILL NOT CRY....


Because, my lovelies, for the next two months I am determined to undertake a shock and awe campaign. The children will be shocked at my calm and awed at my lack of interest in their hourly squabbles.

To achieve this, I will need a few things:

1. one of those beer hats

I particularly like this design because it also incorporates a full face helmet.

Perfect for refereeing those backyard games that always end in tears. Brilliant!

I'll have cappuccino's in the morning and then swap to G&T's in the afternoon.

This is going to be easier than I thought.

2. I was originally thinking about those noise cancelling earmuffs, but that would just be irresponsible.

This looks like much more fun. I can listen to all my 1980's Big Hair band and New Romantics classics. See how easily she is shooing children away in this image?

3. A Fly Swat

For backup.

A few whacks of this on the kitchen bench, with a promise of a follow up on anyone who dares step out of line, will bring the house to attention immediately.

How thoughtful to have a fly swat made in the shape of a hand?

Hopefully I won't need to leave my banana lounge and put down my magazine....I can just reach out and whack whoever's close. You can also see already my beer helmet is paying for itself in this situation.

Hmm, I should inquire as to whether the fly swat comes with an extendable arm.

4. A Fire Hose


Naturally. I have reached the stage where regular vacuuming and mopping just isn't cutting the mustard. This will only get worse during the holidays as wet footprints from the pool trample grass cuttings, dirt and sand from the sandpit through the house. We don't have carpet anywhere in our house, so this is perfect.

I will just hose it out at the end of the day like one of those nightclubs I used to go to in my youth....oh the memories...I couldn't say I remember them clearly, but....

Where was I?

Oh, yes, I will just hose out the house and get the kids to stand on the lawn and hose them down as well. This could be the start of a whole new lease of life for our family.

5. George

George and I have a love-hate relationship. He loves me and I hate to have to always remind him that I'm a happily married woman and that stalking is a punishable offence. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

I think, though, these tough times call for sacrifices to be made.

I will finally capitulate and allow him to come over and stand lifeguard over the pool to watch the kids while I nap.

Hopefully, that will satisfy him for a little while at least.....his last letter was quite desperate. Last time he got this desperate he made Ocean's 12....and we know how that turned out. I do feel a duty of care.

Have I forgotten anything?